omg not again!!

Well, I am beginning to feel like I might be made of steel, about now.
The other night (1-29) My roommate and I got on our motorcycles and commenced to ride to Eagle Mountain, it is an Indian gaming casino, up just past Porterville,up on the reservation, not to gamble, mind you, but to score on our brands of cigarettes for a mere 25 bucks a carton, saving twenty bucks a shot was worth the ride.
It was a 99% full moon, relativly warm , considering the time of year, and Dan and I are incurable niteowls, so, cruising along at a leisurely pace, with me leading the way, tho I prefer the other way around, I kept my position for a mile or so, when we approach Ming ave, we were on New Stine, these are very busy intersections, even at midnight...When I see a truck , stopped at the light, odd because the flipping lite was green! So since I was in the same lane as the truck, so I move into the far left lane while Dan moves to the right lane ( I had a weird feeling for a split second that I, too, should have made that directional decision) but thats neither here nor there ( whatever that means)so on with this...I am a good 100 yards away, approaching at 35-40 mph when the truck signals left"shit" I think, what the hell, so I slowed a bit and the truck shows brake lights "good, he sees me" You ever here the one about assuming? how it makes an ass out of you and me? No truer words do I know... well the truck DIDN'T see me and decided it was going to abrubtly turn left!!
I was less than 50 feet away!!
I had no escape!
I was rudely introduced to this pick-ups left front end!
Talk about an abrubt stop!
BAM! I hit!
I had slightly turned to my left, reason being that was all I had time to do.
BAM!
I fell quickly to the asphalt, motorcycle was on the groung and I rolled over once or twice, coming to rest on my back, head facing the eastbound traffic sitting at their red light on Ming ave.
Then a dead silence.
I lay there, feeling like this was my "part" in this wierd, surreal play that I was the star of, along with everyone sitting at that intersection, that night,then I hear Dan screaming obscentities at the grey truck that I now had a personal relationship with, I lay there doing a mental assessment of possible damage that my body may have sustained, sharp pain-no, wetness due to blood coming from anywhere- shockingly no, must be the shock, there has got to be a bone sticking out somewhere? OMG NO! nothing is wrong except I pissed myself. So I try to get up and there are these two men yelling at me to stay down, "dont move!" they shout, one of them is a off duty cop, I say that I am ok, only embarrassed due to my having lost my water, they ask if I were sure and I laughed a little and say "yea" I am fine, I get up, not really caring about my wet ass and I go sit on the curb, while Dan picks up my poor bike and parks it by me, and the firwe department shows up...three police units, the cop chopper even made an appearence, and shined the light on the dramatic scene, an ambulance showed up to escort me to the hospital, I refused the ride, there may be someone else, somewhere who may need it, I was fine, so I signed a paper stating my said refusal, in the mean time the truck was told to move from the intersection, and when they started moving it made a horrific sound, like their front end was jacked up!
I hit it so hard their front end made the truck undrivable!
This was an 04 dodge full sized truck!
Girlfriend is made of steel, I tell ya!
So I sustained some sore muscles, a couple of slight burises, and a few days of deep depression.
I am almost back to normal, my bike which I had received 900.00 of the 1200 $ that I sold the bike for, needs to be refunded,and I just wanted 1 more ride before she was gone forever!
Shit!
Thats my luck.
Lucky, tho Pootie wasnt with me like she normally would have been, I even left my phone at home because you cant get reception on the reservation anyway, if I did I would have broken it with my body, for I landed on the side I wear my phone!
so this I felt, was blog-worthy
I have grown , due to the experience, the people were from Mexice, tho the truck was insured to the r/o and I will be compensated.
Aw...life, you never know whats around the corner.

Time's they are getting better.

I know, I am awful at this blogging habit...
I do have an excuse...
There was a problem with my Internet connection, torturous as it was (fri-tuesday) it was horrible. (wah)
O.k. I have a photo of the accordion that I mentioned in my last blog. I haven't learned any songs yet, for fear of disturbing my neighbors...can you imagine the headline...
"POLICE PURSUE POLKA PLAYING PEST!"
My roommate is almost deaf, due to an over-stimulated wax issue, so at least I can fart anywhere in the house without being embarrassed!

O.k. I got myself something nice for Christmas...


















It was for Kara more than for me, ok, ok, leaning more towards me, since she's getting one of her own ( with hopes that her dad keeps his word).
Back to what I was saying (I suffer A.A.D.D.) I bought three days before Christmas for, get this, 800.00 smackeroonies, yes, my jealous pals, a one owner/regularly/maintained by the dealership/semi-low mileage, beaut. I can't seem to dial in my clutch issue with my motorcycle, besides, I am a realist (since meeting the pavement in 2001) and a car is a nice luxury, especially this little (yeah, right) ok, rather large jewel, which does low-book at 2400.00. The only issue it has is that the heater motor doesn't work, the heater works, it just doesn't have a fan to blow it out, therefor it takes a bit for the interior to warm up, but hey, who am I to complain?? I was used to riding a freakin' motorcycle in the dead of winter, and ALMOST became acclimated to the cold, but I just couldn't quite make it to the point of numbness, when your hands and/or feet are cold...forget it!
So now I almost feel like a real human ( I have been without a car for almost three years ) I was blessed to get the opportunity to get the chance to buy it, because it is hell to pack alot of stuff on a bike, not that I haven't...from a 19 inch old "Zenith" t.v. to a cat in a cat carrier. No, the cat didn't freak out, I covered the carrier with a blanket so she wouldn't. From sewing machines, to a full sized pallet ( I didn't have any firewood, so I got a good "coca-cola" one, it took longer to take it apart than it did to burn!) so don't get me wrong, I can haul it all, but now I dont have to.

Christmas was good, I went to my daughter and her boyfriends place, at the coast by Pismo Beach.
It took me a while to get out of the house, I was nervous cue to the fact that it had been a while since I was a driver, and it was a long trip (3 hrs) finally I made it there, she didn't tell me that her dad was going to be there!
We all had dinner ( chicken Alfredo that she made from scratch ) along with a salad, biscuits, and some veggies for before dinner snacks, I was proud of her...
O.K. her DAD!!!
OMG its been almost 20 years since we have been in the same room and there wasn't a judge somewhere nearby...!
We even went to his house after dinner and had more drinks and played pool on his table. I was unaware of my daughter growing discomfort of this event like no other in her life, til the next day, lol, imagine if we started making out or something, she would have needed therapy for the next 20 years.
Anyway it was a different kind of evening , for sure.
I explained it to her that we need to be civil, because at least I understand that if it weren't for he and I getting together that she wouldn't be the woman that she is today.
She was cool, but scarred for life. She's funny. She doesn't realize what I have planned for this summer.
We are gonna all have more evenings like that so she can see that we were friends before she came along ( we tried for almost two years to conceive her ) he tried telling her I trapped him...Its going to be fun to screw with her, I'm gonna tell her dad how she felt if she hasn't already. Tee Hee.
My new years was spent at home due to the fact I spent my money on the car, but hey, I stayed out of trouble, bored, but out of trouble, non-the-less.
Have a nice day, my friends
And
!!!HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

It was 1984 and the sewing machine that belonged to my great- grandmother she was my "opoo" (pronounced oh-pew),dutch for Grandma.
That was 24 years ago, my dad wasn't happy either, and he remembered it well, too.
Well yesterday, he came in in the morning with the accordion that my Dad has had forever, it belonged to Opa (Opoo's husband,) my Dads grandfather, its all ivory and its about a hundred years old.
He gave it to me for Christmas...omg , I almost started crying.
This is one of those times when life has smiled upon me and I have been given a 2nd chance.
I'm filled with a content that signifies the storm is over, the self-imposed "carney" kind of life, disfunction, and my car for a sleeping quarters.
Life is so bright, and I'm keeping on track, playtime is over.
I feel better than I have in an awful long time.
I have good people in my life and I am blessed.
For the first time, in about as long as I can remember I am in an actual Christmas spirit.
Life is good.

todays date is Wed dec 10 2008

whats up with my computer??

I have been in a daze since Nov. 6, 1985...
Unable to eloquently relay my pain in any verbal manner,than to be understood.

His first word was "elgra" and he never moved his lips...we laughed and laughed at his ventriloquist act, he was only 9 months old. It was, after all his first word.
"elgra"...(sigh)

Soon after,the word "mom" was there, to the joy and inner warmth that only your child's first word can bring.

Unaware that those were all his lips would say.

I would get up in the middle of the night to change and feed him, watching him drink his bottle, he would hold it with one hand and gently caress his own forhead with the back of his other. I couldn't stop watching him, the joy mixed with awe, welling up inside of me, like helium blows up a circus balloon, stretching to the point of tight shiny color, smiling brightly against the bright blue sky...the future was wide open.
One night, I was following our middle of the night routine, but I was overcome with this "feeling", a voice shouting in my head "Leave!" "Run naked out the front door to anywhere!" "Go!!!"...I was stopped dead by this, but thought it may have been the remnants of a nightmare, and shrugged it off, not having been introduced to whom I would find out later was my "little voice".
I stayed where I was and Tye was in intensive care one week later...
His diagnose..."grave"
I read it on his clipboard, the one that was beside his bed, on a nail, on the wall.
I swear he could hear me...I would say his name, speak words of love, say nursery rhymes, all the while his heart rate would fluctuate wildly, that being the only reaction, due to the fact he was on a ventilator and his eyes were taped closed, I would apply a salve of lemon and glycerine to his tounge so it wouldnt get dry and crack, he didn't move, but his heart rate...
I just knew he was going to come out of this and we would all be so happy and relieved, everything was going to be o.k.,
I was so naive.
First of all, who could EVER hurt an infant, especially a father of three, not in my world, no one I knew,
Accidents happen...
Don't they?

The pediatric forensic findings spoke of the contrary...
Proof in black and white, with photos to illustrate the findings,

beyond a reasonable doubt,
death by the hand of another.

Murder.

"It cant be!"
I remember thinking, my naive mentality being my enemy.

My world crashed down on me like a tsunami.
Misery, being my roommate, my bed partner, my shadow, for the next three years.

I will never have the memory of his first steps.
My family an I will never have the memory of his first birthday party...

The tooth fairy.
The first day of Kindergarten.
Having to let him go on his own for the first time, like a big boy.

Kissing his tears away and bandaging up his first "boo,boo" with a "Snoopy" bandage.

Hearing about his first crush.

Listening to his sorrows on his first broken heart, and saying those perfect words that make the pain go away.

We will never know those moments.
They were stolen.

I remember singing the old nursery rhyme "Jack and Jill", at his bedside, the realization of what that song was really saying..."Jack fell down , and broke his crown", "and Jill came tumbling after..."

Nursery rhymes were so morbid.

They were so true.

He had a skull fracture.
"He broke his crown"

And "Jill came tumbling after..."
It took painfully long for me to accept the reality of the whole situation.
It divided me from my family,
I was unable to convey my feelings,
I was unable to comprehend my feelings,
I was in an emotional coma.

My daughter saved me in 1989, by honoring me with the privilege of being her mother.
6:36 am Mothers Day.
The clouds lifted that day...
But I sometimes find myself thinking...

Kara will never know her brother,
they will never argue, over silly things
like frogs are cooler than flowers,
or something like that.

We were robbed.

We will never know his first prom,
We will never know teaching him to drive.
We will never know his high school graduation.
I will never know the grandchildren.

I waited for it to go away, the pain.
Only to accept the fact that it will always be there, we grow everyday with the knowledge that not only the life but the LOSS of a life stays with you
forever
and how you hold it inside has everything to do with your survival,
your emotional health,

The way you view the world.

The way you handle the world.

Day in day out,

You need to be there for the ones who ARE there.

They need you for the kind words,
because they got their heart broken.
They need that word of encouragement,
because they don't look like the other girls.

Because they are unique, exquisite and individual, and your baby girl.
All grown up.

Time has slowly sped bye, but sometimes it feels like yesterday...

The man who snuffed out the light that was Tye, comes up for parole, rehabilitated (supposedly).
Once there is the ability to act out such an act as to take the life of a helpless infant what kind of "rehabilitation" is there?

We are left to live with it,
he should be left to live with it, too.
Where he is,
so no one else could fall prey
giving trust where none is due,

The hole that was left,
never healing,

some days better than others.

Growing, emotionally, every day.
The process, never ending.

Knowing that the day I die will be the day I will see him again.

I can wait, for the living need me more.
I need them more.

It's nice to be needed.

No, there is nothing more wonderful than being needed.
It's a responsibility that is givin once, and you need to do your best, because you cant go back and do it over, again and that is what they will remember, mistakes or not,
it's the effort,
it's BEING there for the living...

Sure, a part of all of us died with my son that night,
but a bigger part of us survived.

That is the "Mom" that I am today.

The "Grampa" that my Dad is today.

The "Aunt" that my sister is today.

The "Family" that WE are today.

We are all doing time.
He needs to be doing time ,too.

I wasn't trying to make you feel sad, it happens...

Sorrow is a part of life,
just don't let it consume you.

He will have killed you, too.

Thats how I get through this,

day in, day out.

Life is Good.
It's how you deal with the lows and survive.

God doesn't give you more than you can handle.

As a dear friend of mine was recently heard saying...reflecting on where our lives are, never thinking they would be where they are at this time...I am so proud of her and where she is in her life (said with loving envy). I have also found myself somewhere as diverse as that lifetime ago.
I know an adult woman, whom I actually gave birth to, and she is as good a friend as well as my child. I have been to the lowest lows, only to laugh at the situations, and heartfelt despair,keeping in mind that it IS my past, and PAST being the operative word.
I dont pity myself, for it is myself that made it. I am only happy that I came through the murkiest with my mind still mostly intact...lol
These days there has been something strange coming from my mouth...laughter.
It seems that the people we have in our lives affect us in small ways that we may not notice until they are absent from our lives.
Seems the man with whom I insanely chose to spend time with, was the type that could find something horrible in anything from a sunset, to the sound of a bird by the widow, on a warm spring morning. I seemed to had lost my laughter, since it has been a month since I talked to him, there was a spell lifted, or something. My job at the shop was a gift from God, given at just the right time.
On another note, last night I was watching t.v. and I started hyper ventilating, and felt like I was going to throw up, out of the blue.
I staggered my way to the bathroom, only to be wracked with dry heaves, I would calm myself down only to be hit with another wave, then it came to me, 23 years ago this week...
The bastard comes up for parole again this December 15th, my Dad goes every year, I spoke to the Victims Advocates and got the paper work giving information that assists me in going to the parole hearing as the now #1 "victim", my dads g.f. thinks I should go, my dad on the other hand tells me it would be "hard" and it represents a painful time in his life. No shit!!?? He doesnt seem to fathom what I have been through, Its time for me to cross this bridge, I NEED TO. He has always been the one to dissuade me with EVERYTHING I mention, seems there is a little more commonality with Dan than I'ld like to admit.Some how I need to clearly inform him who I am...I dont think he knows me at all. I think this contributed with my little anxiety episode. It had been eating at me all day, but I take things lightly (so not to go crazy) and it sneaks up on me.
I am trying to figure out how to reach him...I think I'm going to talk to his wife. Karen is all for me going,I am going to her.
Sorry for the downer, but thats what in the wind here in the armpit of California .
I'll get back sooner next time...
Love to my peeps

I know...
Here I am with some pretty good stuff.
Manwhore is now a guest of the state of California (omg! imagine that). It didnt happen here, for some reason I am sooooo freaking relieved. I can put my box of Tide back out by the washing machine!
I have been trying to call my friend (Lena) and she hasent answered... :(
I am eccstatic about the best thing to happen to me in years. I am working back at my dads shop! I have been doing the things that I was doing before...the basic answering the phones, helping customers. Unfortunatly that is where the guy that took over my job 4 years ago stopped. On wednesday I commensed to sweeping the front area of the shop, not your simple broom with the dustpan bit, but a down on my knees, under and behind the desks,to elaborate, there is a preexisting rat population cohabitating at the shop and they love to shred paper and drag trash around and shit everywhere. Imagine 4 years worth?
Oh yeah, it was down and dirty, I used oiled sawdust to keep the dust down. It took me 4 hours.
Wait, it gets better...
The refridgerator...
4 years...
Lazt/messy/ pompador wearing/ mommas boy, who played solitaire on the computer in his spare time (which seemed to be all the time)
The fridge was making me gag...anyone for some vintage 2006 milk?
This guy would spill a carton of milk and just leave it there milk and all, and he spilled a jar of dill pickle juice and left that, so at the bottom of the ref. was this wonderful soup that seems to have seeped into my pores.!!
I literally swamped it out...I'm so smart tho, I turned it off but forgot to unplug it...I shocked the shit out of myself... (I'm part 'tarded)
I found a bran muffin from 2006, it was a nice, petrified,perfect looking muffin but hard as a rock...I gave it to the shop dog, she begs ALL the time (a habit I find quite annoying) I gave it to her. The sound of her grinding it down I started laughing, a giddy giggle that was starting to scare me I guess because I havent had a good gufaw in AGES, I think the sound was foreign. I dont know but I was thoroughly amused, it was great. I gave Ruby (the dog) a much needed bath( at least 2 years on that) she was happy. So that was my day, I cut it to the minute for closing time.
Well since starting work there I have found myself amused and laughing out loud at stuff that I never saw amusment in before.
I must be happy.
Closest to it anyway.
Or I'm loosing it...
So there you are, I'll try and write some more tonight.
I have included some pics of some sexy downtown beefcake.
Have a good day.
LOVE Me.