Pooty on the Futon

As a dear friend of mine was recently heard saying...reflecting on where our lives are, never thinking they would be where they are at this time...I am so proud of her and where she is in her life (said with loving envy). I have also found myself somewhere as diverse as that lifetime ago.
I know an adult woman, whom I actually gave birth to, and she is as good a friend as well as my child. I have been to the lowest lows, only to laugh at the situations, and heartfelt despair,keeping in mind that it IS my past, and PAST being the operative word.
I dont pity myself, for it is myself that made it. I am only happy that I came through the murkiest with my mind still mostly intact...lol
These days there has been something strange coming from my mouth...laughter.
It seems that the people we have in our lives affect us in small ways that we may not notice until they are absent from our lives.
Seems the man with whom I insanely chose to spend time with, was the type that could find something horrible in anything from a sunset, to the sound of a bird by the widow, on a warm spring morning. I seemed to had lost my laughter, since it has been a month since I talked to him, there was a spell lifted, or something. My job at the shop was a gift from God, given at just the right time.
On another note, last night I was watching t.v. and I started hyper ventilating, and felt like I was going to throw up, out of the blue.
I staggered my way to the bathroom, only to be wracked with dry heaves, I would calm myself down only to be hit with another wave, then it came to me, 23 years ago this week...
The bastard comes up for parole again this December 15th, my Dad goes every year, I spoke to the Victims Advocates and got the paper work giving information that assists me in going to the parole hearing as the now #1 "victim", my dads g.f. thinks I should go, my dad on the other hand tells me it would be "hard" and it represents a painful time in his life. No shit!!?? He doesnt seem to fathom what I have been through, Its time for me to cross this bridge, I NEED TO. He has always been the one to dissuade me with EVERYTHING I mention, seems there is a little more commonality with Dan than I'ld like to admit.Some how I need to clearly inform him who I am...I dont think he knows me at all. I think this contributed with my little anxiety episode. It had been eating at me all day, but I take things lightly (so not to go crazy) and it sneaks up on me.
I am trying to figure out how to reach him...I think I'm going to talk to his wife. Karen is all for me going,I am going to her.
Sorry for the downer, but thats what in the wind here in the armpit of California .
I'll get back sooner next time...
Love to my peeps